Learning to be who I am today

Are you the same person you were last year? 5 years ago? 10 years ago?

I was watching tv today, an old NCIS. A military man had returned from action due to war injuries. He was not adapting well. At the end of the show, he said “I guess I need to learn to be who I am today”.

That really struck me as something I need to do. Ten years ago I was feeling healthy, I was working full-time as an assistant professor of nursing, & I was pursuing a doctorate. This is similar to how I had been for most of my adult life – busy. I enjoyed it. Eight years ago I was starting to feel tired. The fatigue continues & if anything has probably gotten a bit worse. The fatigue is the result of a couple of autoimmune disorders that I have. I retired in December 2014, six months before my 65th birthday. I had planned on working till at least 70, but my health wasn’t going to let me do that.

I have been struggling ever since 2015 to come to terms with not being able to do what I want. I feel my quality of life has deteriorated. I am exhausted a lot of the time. I’m good for about 2-hours of activity per day. I have lots of things to keep me busy – reading, blogging, life coaching/mentoring, promoting the idea of Complexity Leadership, knitting, a bit of gardening, taking courses, joining online groups – but it just isn’t quite hitting the right spot with me. I still feel something is missing. I know that if I want something different, I need to do something different.

I’ve had my first COVID-19 vaccine. It is 14-months since my last chemo & I remain in remission. Spring is here & the weather is getting nice. I’m looking forward to a bit of gardening & getting together with friends. If we need to continue to distance ourselves we have a huge backyard & can easily visit & maintain a 2-meter distance. I’ve been exploring my spirituality for several years now & I enjoy the meditation & what I am learning. I’ve met many new people over social media & have great connections & supports. My family is amazing, as well as my friends.

But, now it is time for me to follow some of my own coaching/mentoring advice & dig a bit deeper into who I am now & what I really want. I am not the same person I was 10, 5, or even 1-year ago. I will revisit my values & goals. I will allow myself to dream a bit.

Maybe my expectations for myself a bit too much for me at this time. Once upon a time, I was extremely organized; that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore & I am easily distracted.

I guess this is what I will write about for the next while – if I am able to do something with it wouldn’t that be grand. I have a positive attitude & know I can do lots of things that will give me some self-satisfaction.

The challenge is on.

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