Are you looking for something more from life?

I hear from lots of people who want something more. When asked to be specific, they often can’t identify what it is they want. Some people want a new job, some want to own a home of their own, some want better health, and others just don’t have any idea, they just feel something is missing.

I can’t remember how I came across the work “Ikigai”. That doesn’t matter; I found the word intriguing, so I needed to know more. There is much more to read and learn but just getting started is fascinating and I hope I can help you find “A Reason for Being”.

https://www.japan.go.jp/kizuna/2022/03/ikigai_japanese_secret_to_a_joyful_life.html

Doesn’t this look and sound like a little bit of alright?

I want to dig a bit deeper and learn more. What is your Reason for Being? Examine the four questions presented in the image: What do you love? What does the world need? What are you good at? What can you be paid for? These four things can help you find your Ikigai. Give these some serious thought and record your thoughts, in whatever form works best for you (writing, audio, video). Take your time and revisit over a period of time.

What Do You Love?

When you consider what you love, think people, places, activities, pets, food, music, and everything else that enters your life. What do you do that makes you lose track of time?

I love life, my husband, and my family. I love my dog. There are numerous people I could name that I love. Though I don’t consider myself to have artistic talents I love to sew, knit, garden, paint, draw, and all kinds of crafty type of things. I love games and puzzles, things that challenge my brain.

I love writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, I just want to write but not necessarily share. Other times I would like to share my thoughts and feelings anonymously – maybe, I need a pseudonym.

When I think about this category for Ikigai, I think about the things that are important to me. These could be called my values, but they are more than values. I don’t really know how to explain them. Some of them are passions. I know I do have a passion for wanting to help others. That had a lot to do with my becoming a nurse. I sometimes let some of my passions and loves slide and when I do, I soon find I’m not happy. Though I often don’t figure that out for quite some time.

Knowing what you love and being able to link that to what you are good at can be a real benefit.

What Are You Good At?

What do you know you are good at and what do others say you are good at? These are your talents, your strengths. Ask others, don’t rely on yourself for this. We often have trouble seeing our own talents and strengths. These do not have to be big items. Some people are excellent cooks or bakers, some are wonderful homemakers, great parents, gardeners, sewers, painters, writers, poets, listeners, or great at organization, or a million other possibilities.

As you think about what you are good at, think back to your childhood. What are things you used to do that you were good at but that have been put aside for whatever reason? I love gardening, the smell of flowers and the outside, I love the smell of cooking, perfumes, and oodles of other scents. I recently took a course to become an aromatherapy practitioner. I love essential oils and experimenting with blending their scents and creating blends to use for minor health concerns. I love these and I am good at creating them.

For almost as long as I can remember I have had a superb intuition and when I haven’t paid attention to that little voice inside, I have usually paid the price. Several times in my life I have dabbled in paying more attention to my intuition or developing it to a new level. Like aromatherapy and essential oils, I let it slide. I am working on exploring my spirituality, my feminine being, the witch inside me, and I am loving what I am discovering. And – wow – doesn’t this all go together? I might just have expanded my reason for being.

What Does the World Need?

The world needs love, kindness, and caring. These are things I can deliver. My nursing background supports one element of caring with love and kindness. My love of the earth, scents, and creating help me to do what is best for our earth and all the inhabitants.

Our world, our earth, needs our care. When we live with love, kindness, and caring we are creating a beautiful, sustainable world.

The world needs peace. As I write that statement what comes to mind is ‘how can there not be peace when we inhale the beautiful fragrances of nature?’

What do you see the world needing? What of your loves and things are you good at that can benefit the world? Once again, these do not need to be big. The kindness you show to others is something the world needs. If you are a server, you are needed in this world. If you are a parent, this world needs parents. Some of what the world needs can lead to you making money, or you can also choose to volunteer or just be.

What Can You Be Paid For?

I have been paid for being a nurse, and an assistant professor of nursing. Two of my passions – caring and teaching. Now retired from nursing and teaching I continue to share my caring and teaching through my blogs, posts on social media, and life and leadership coaching. I’ve been adding in bits of spirituality and use of essential oils as I coach and talk to people.

I don’t have a desire to build a huge business. I don’t want to work that hard. But I do want to be of help and make the world a better place, and if I can, make some money to cover my expenses. I have many ideas for sharing my newfound information about essential oils and to have some fun while teaching and helping others to enjoy their life to the fullest.

The Venn Diagram

Note the other sections in the Venn diagram above: Passion, Vocation, Profession, Mission. How do these fit into each of the four sections we have just examined? Depending on your stage of life the importance of these might vary. Being a retired, senior I am not looking at my profession and vocation as money-making ventures. But my Passion and Mission in life remain important for me to feel fulfilled.

I am happy with my life. My life is not perfect, but if nothing changes, I am still pleased, I have a good life. I remain curious, I like to learn, and maybe what I have can be better. Maybe, I can help someone else have a better life.

Where Are You?

Do a deep dive into your soul and discover your Reason for Being.

Give me a shout if I can help you to explore your Reason for Being.

I just finished listening to a HeartMath Podcast and am incredibly impressed by the discussion.

I am a Certified HeartMath Trainer and Coach, but I need to work at my practice every day. I am far from perfect and way too often forget to practice the self-care I encourage others to practice. Daily self-care involves adequate, quality sleep, good nutrition, and activity as basics. Additionally, self-care involves our emotional health. Unfortunately, we often don’t pay attention to our emotions or to our mental health. Why does this matter? Because our health encompasses mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. When one area suffers the others will also suffer.

Mindset

After listening to this Podcast, I was reminded of how important mindset can be. I have just returned from a few days away. We had flown to and from a visit with friends and family. I have been diagnosed with PBC and Sjogren’s, both autoimmune diseases. Among the symptoms of these are extreme fatigue, dry eyes, dry mouth, and much more. With Sjogren’s there is also body pain. The fatigue and pain often flair up because of overdoing activities, or just not paying attention and not eating and resting well. For me if I only do one extra activity per day, such as a medical appointment, or some additional baking or cooking I might be ok. If I have a busy day, such as cooking for company and visiting, I need to take the next day to recover. I do quite well at managing, most of the time, but not always. So, I now ask myself ‘why did I think I could fly one day, spend two days visiting, and spend the next day flying home?’ But I made that decision, and I have learned. I was beating myself up for making this poor decision. The podcast reminded me that rather than beat myself up for this ‘failure’ to remember that it doesn’t matter that I made a poor decision, which is now the past, what matters is what I do next.

Following the podcast, I reminded myself to use positive words and rather than say, “I suffer with Sjogren’s” to change that and say, “I have been diagnosed with Sjogren’s disease, which reminds me to practice self-care so that I can live the best life I possible”. I was reminded that today I need to give myself the rest I need to recover. This was all a mindset change. At the end of the podcast the listeners are guided through Heart-Focused Breathing. Though I had already meditated earlier, the Heart-Focused Breathing practice made quite a positive difference to my mindset.

This podcast was just what I needed today. I hope you will listen and be inspired to take care of yourself every day. 🌈 #leadership #work #coaching #podcast #life

I provide Life and Leadership Coaching via ZOOM if you need a little support to live the life you want.

A review of a day in my life points out where I might need to make some changes. I hope you can use this as a template to look at your own life and identify some areas that might need to be adapted. As I try my best to improve my health, to take time for me, to do the things I want to do I have often gotten a sense of overwhelm. As a Certified HeartMath Trainer, retired nurse, and life and leadership coach I know feeling overwhelmed is sign of stress and too much stress is not healthy. So, I decided to look at how a day might be spent. My information below is not complete, because there are many other things I would like to do.

I have been cancer free for 3 years, this is wonderful, a sigh of relief. I do have a couple of autoimmune diseases that at times cause me extreme fatigue which is usually accompanied by nasty pain in many parts of my body. I need to pay attention to that and make sure I don’t overdo activities, or I am out of commission for several days. I share this with you because I know many people have chronic conditions that limit what can be done in a day.

I have learned in the last few years the best way to do as much as I want is to set limits. What this means is that I set a usual day and if I am having a flare, I take something off the list, if I am having an awesome day, I add one thing to my list. My past behaviour was do as much I as I could – go all out when I felt good – then just spend a few days recovering – whoops – that was not the best way to do things.

As I created my basic day and looked at the amount of time I spent on various activities, I began to wonder how the ‘average’ (I hate that word but can’t think of a more appropriate one right now) person manages in a day. What do we need to change to live a healthy, fulfilled life?

How do you spend your day?

* Disclaimer – I am not providing you with medical advice. I am merely sharing information that I have found, some of my own activities. What is good for one is not necessarily good for everyone. Check with your physician or medical team before introducing exercise routines or changing eating habits. My goal is to help you be the best you can be, with that in mind I share what I learn, I share my experiences, and I hope they will help guide you on a journey to a beautiful life.

My basic day

This is a fairly routine day for me, though some things might not be included, and other things added. Note that I have several free hours to do things I enjoy or to rest. I often require more than 8 hours of sleep due to my autoimmune diseases. Once upon a time I would frequently get only 6 hours of sleep. I now know this was very likely not enough. Many people’s routine day will be much fuller. My work/job is only 2 hours with no travel time. For those who work 8 hours per day, this brings the total of things to do to sixteen hours. So, when do you fit in some of the other things you like to do? Not included are volunteer time, time for getting groceries, going to appointments, housework, and yard work/maintenance. Sometimes I like to have an hour or so to visit my neighbour over coffee or have a family dinner which adds a couple of hours to the day. If you have children add in their activities and chauffeuring.

Some things in the above are not things we would do every day but are usually included in the activities of a week. This routine is so full there is no time for adding on spontaneous activities, which I believe is important for everyone.

Assess Your Time

Don’t forget time for sleep; we do need 7-9 hours on average. Without adequate amount and quality of sleep, we will not continue to function, we will get ill. So, let’s add 8 hours which brings us up to over 18 hours in the day. That leaves 6 hours to do all those other things mentioned above (unless you happen to work 8 hours a day and not the 2 hours I work). If you work an 8-hour day you are now 2-hours in the hole. Oops. What do you leave out? Of course, you might not need or even want to do all the things I like to do. There is lots of room for flexibility and adaptation.

Notice that I have not included any travel time to and from work, or time for shopping. If you have chosen to do your grocery shopping online, you still must include time to place the order, and though you don’t need to travel, remember that the groceries don’t just put themselves away.

Some of the times I have identified are minimal. Times with dog, partner, family, exercise, and meditation often take much longer. Consider also that you might be part of groups or committees, you might want to read something for enjoyment, sit and enjoy the outdoors or bask in the warmth of your home without doing – time to just be. These things are important.

Pay attention to the amount of time you have when you agree to add ‘just this one thing‘ to your ‘to do’ list.

What things are you doing that drain your mental, emotional, and physical energy? What things are you doing that boost your mental, emotional, and physical energy? What are the activities or non-activities that cause you to lose track of time, which lead you to a state of joy, calm, or even bliss? Are you taking enough time for the positive activities that lift you up?

How much time are you spending watching tv, being active on social media (chatting, playing games, reading postings, blogs, or listening to podcasts)? Though these activities might be a needed break, or educational, how are they of benefit to you? Are these activities adding value to your life, and how?

How often do you take time to be? I remember spending time with my grandma when I was a young girl. My grandma was born in 1880, she gave birth to fifteen children. I remember grandma sitting, the radio might have been on, but there was no tv. She would just sit. Obviously, grandma was not lazy, you can’t be lazy when you have that many children on a farm. Sometimes grandma would knit or crochet, this is the way I remember my grandma. I could sit and talk with her or talk to her while I played. I never thought this was out of the ordinary but as I reflect, I don’t know of anyone else who did this. I had a close relationship with grandma, sometimes we would walk the hills in the countryside where she lived or visit neighbours for coffee or tea. What a beautiful, retired life. Do parents or grandparents do that today?

We have been socialized to feel the need to fill every moment doing. Sometimes that doing is sitting mindlessly in front of the tv or computer. What would happen if you did not turn on either of those items? What if you just sat? Do you remember looking at the clouds and identifying objects such as a rabbit, a ship, or something else? When did you last do that? Would you be comfortable? If not, you might want to learn.

We become more creative when we give our brains a break, just as our muscles do. Muscles need a break from exercise, we are advised to spread various exercises over several days, to not do the entire body every day, to achieve the best results. Our brains also need breaks and variety to achieve their best results.

Wrapping Up

The new moon on 20-February signals a time for new beginnings. What seeds will you plant?

Many people I coach and talk to want to make changes to their lives. They want something different, new, or something more. It is often difficult for them to figure out what they want, they just know they want something different. Before we can change, we need to know the current situation, we need to measure our current activities, assess the activities, and determine where changes can be made. Sometimes we also need a change in our way of thinking. What do you need?

If you need some help doing this, give me a shout, we can figure it out together.  

Going with the Flow, Happy, Joyful

Going with the Flow could mean being apathetic and just doing what is easy to make sure you do not make waves and have to deal with challenging situations – not my definition. How about Going with the Flow, meaning going with what is happening and enjoying it to its full extent.

The definitions of “Going with the Flow” with which I do agree” ‘keeping cool, remaining calm, remaining composed, keeping your head, remaining unruffled, having one’s wits about one, taking it easy, coasting, floating, going with the current’.

I equate Going with the Flow to Bliss. Bliss is often defined as complete happiness or joy. This is a state that most of us would like to experience.

“To experience peace does not mean that your life is always blissful. It means that you are capable of tapping into a blissful state of mind amidst the normal chaos of a hectic life.”

Jill Bolte Taylor

The Dalai Lama’s, book The Art of Happiness, is worth reading and could aid you in finding bliss. Moraes identifies Bliss as

“a state of mind that puts us in an ecstatic state of grace”.

Bliss is not a permanent state, after all, we live in a complex world as humans. We can access bliss by taking time to go within and realize our inner most passions and desires.

I experienced a beautiful state of bliss just over a year ago when I stepped off the plane in Hawaii. The state came over me unexpectedly, and I recognized it immediately. I never wanted it to end. I was with my husband, son, and daughter-in-law to celebrate their 30^th wedding anniversary and renewing of vows. I had left behind the frigid winter weather of home. I felt joy, peace, and just knew that nothing was going to send me into a flap. The feeling is hard to explain – but it is one that I wish could last forever. We have been to Hawaii many times and it is my paradise.

Of course, I have experienced moments of bliss since that time, but never arriving so unexpectedly and overwhelmingly. I was in a beautiful place of joy, love, happiness, and fulfillment. I was experiencing a beautiful life.

How can this state of bliss be reached more often? Meditation, changing negative thoughts to positive thoughts, gratitude, living your passion, being of service, enjoying the moment and the beauty surrounding you, and learning to accept love and kindness. Each day I thank the universe for my life, for my family, friends, and acquaintances, my home, clean water, enough (too much) food, and a variety of the many good things I have. My life, like the life of most people, is not perfect. We do not live in a perfect world. We do, however, having many wonderful and beautiful things, experiences, and people in our lives and being grateful for all of those is a huge step in achieving a beautiful life full of bliss and wonderment.

This is a state that requires some work. There was a time when it did not occur to me that reaching such a state might require work or attention: and it was not until I was experiencing some health challenges for which doctors were having trouble diagnosing and treating. Since that time, a journey to explore my spirituality, to learn more about myself and what is important, even vital to my well-being, has led to me feeling the best I have felt in at least 10 years. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I am in a good place. The journey is not complete, it never will be complete. There is always more to learn, more for which to be grateful, and more to enjoy. If you want to learn more about my journey, contact me at drelaine@drelaineleadership.coach

An Explanation of Chronic Illness and Limited Energy

I came across this article today, Spoon Theory. It is an amazing explanation of how someone, like me, juggles their energy every day. I don’t write this looking for sympathy, but to help you, and myself, understand what it is like to have limited energy. My lack of energy that accompanies my autoimmune disorders has been the toughest thing with which I have had to cope. I have many things I enjoy doing, many things I want to do, and until about 10 years ago I didn’t lack energy.

Initially I wondered if it was ‘the aging process’. That didn’t make a lot of sense to me as the extreme fatigue seemed to have come about much too rapidly. It took a few years for me to get a diagnosis and I’m not sure that I have completely adjusted to the change in my energy level. I still tend to take on too much at times and get carried away doing the things I love. Of course, I pay for it in the following days.

I am slowly learning to pay attention to how I spend my energy. How much can I spend in any one day? When I have a bit more energy, I can add one more activity to my day. On not so good days, well – I have to leave something out. There are times when the fatigue hits so suddenly that I am caught off guard. When that happens, I am forced to stop immediately. I still haven’t gotten used to this happening.

I have included the link to the article and hope you will give it a quick read. It goes a long way to understanding what many people experience every day.

Self-Talk: Does it Matter What You Say?

I certainly didn’t believe in positive self-talk until recently. Furthermore, I don’t lie and so trying to look in the mirror and say “I love you” or “You’re beautiful” just wasn’t going to happen. However, being a curious person, I decided to see what research literature had to say. Guess what, I was wrong. There is some valid evidence that positive self-talk does have benefits.

I started working on positive self-talk a few years ago when my health was at its lowest point, and I wasn’t sure I was going to survive. I had an autoimmune disease and cancer. But I wasn’t ready to give up, so I needed to smarten up. It wasn’t easy to start, so small things that I believed about myself were where I started. First, I was strong, and I was stubborn. I think being stubborn is positive, though there are synonyms that some people prefer. So, what have I gained from positive self-talk? Lots! I feel better about myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Because I see myself as a positive person and a leader, positive self-talk has helped me be more open in sharing what I have learned during my life without being afraid that I didn’t know enough or wasn’t good enough.

The literature supports the benefits of self-talk. According to Health Direct, positive self-talk can:

• improve self-esteem, stress management and wellbeing
• reduce any symptoms of depression, anxiety and personality disorders
• improve your body image and can help treat people with eating disorders
• reduce your risk of self-harm and suicide
• make you feel more in control of your life
• help with chronic pain
• motivate you to overcome obstacles
• help to calm you

What You Tell Yourself Is What You Get

These all sound good to me. However, positive self-talk takes practice. My autoimmune disorders cause me to be crazy fatigued (I never experienced anything like this in all the years of working shifts and going on 3-4 hours of sleep per night). Now, 12-hours of sleep sometimes doesn’t relieve the fatigue, it is just there no matter what I do. Recently, someone commented when I said I was ‘tired, as usual’. “Well, if you keep telling yourself you are tired, you are going to be tired” was the comment. She was right. I hadn’t thought about what I was telling myself. Our brains can be fooled. If I tell my brain I have the energy I need, I will have the energy I need. Does that mean my fatigue is all in my head? Sort of, maybe. When fatigue hits, and sometimes it hits without warning, I now say to myself, my body needs a rest right now. A positive statement. I have noticed a difference in myself. Though I might still be fatigued more than I would like, I know that I cope better and that I really do have enough energy. Afterall, I decide what is enough.

Our Brains Believe What They Are Told

According to Health Direct, “Negative self-talk can make it more difficult to deal with chronic pain. It can also affect a person’s sexual confidence and body image.” Negative self-talk brings you down, can cause stress, and suggests you can be perfect. We are human, perfection is something we might strive to attain, but not something that is realistic in most cases.

One way I like to think about what I say to myself is to ask if I would say that to a friend, my kids, my grandkids, husband, or anyone I love. In most cases there is no way I would be that mean or rude to someone else. So, why do we think it is ok to talk to ourselves that way? When you say negative things to yourself, start by asking if what you are saying is true. Often what we say is a generalization. When I hurry, I am sometimes clumsy. If I pay attention to what I am doing, and don’t rush, I’m not clumsy. Therefore, stating I am a ‘clumsy oaf’ is not true.

Choose Your Words Carefully

Something that I recently learned relates to our choice of words. We tend to make statements such as “I’m sick”, “I’m tired”, “I’m fat” we aren’t any of these. We feel sick, or unwell, or tired, or we have more body fat than is good; but we are not those things. We are not our symptoms. When I keep that in mind, I find it easier to incorporate positive self-talk into my conversations with myself; or at least I find it easier to stop the negative self-talk.

The Journal of Sports and Exercise Psychology published the following article Effects of Self-Talk: A Systematic Review. If positive self-talk works for athletes, it can work for others. Regardless of your current thoughts I suggest you give positive self-talk a try. What can it hurt? I’d be happy to work with you to find the right words and times to build yourself up to be the person you truly are. Uncover the best you!!

Whether you make New Year’s Resolutions or set goals for the next month, year, or longer the question remains: What’s Next?

I am a long-time goal setter, but not much of a New Year’s Resolution person. As I reflect on the past year, and the past 10 years, I have a lot to consider. The events and changes are innumerable.

We Can Learn from All Situations

This might not resonate with many, but I learn from watching movies, tv shows, and reading fiction. Of course, I also learn from reading scholarly articles and research, but there is much to learn about people from what is being created for entertainment.

I am a long-time Coronation Street watcher. One of the things I notice is that every catastrophe that occurs is the result of lies and deception. Imagine that? I don’t think that is much of a surprise to anyone. Other things to watch for: Sometimes the person isn’t what they initially appear to be; there is more than one side to the story; communication is sorely lacking (there is something important to say and small interruptions keep it from being said – so frustrating), and we see all a variety of leadership styles, we see these same things in daily life.

Over the last several years I have learned a great deal.

1. Your past does not equal your future.
2. You can have a beautiful life despite some chronic health conditions.
3. You are good enough.
4. You are never too old to learn new stuff.
5. Though I have always known change is inevitable, we control our change and our life. (That isn’t as nasty or mean as I once thought – I did not decide to have health challenges – well, not intentionally, but in retrospect I see why some of them have occurred).
6. If you are only as old as you feel – decide what age you want to be and feel that age.
7. It is possible to have a beautiful life.

I have an almost insane number of things that I want to investigate further. Thoughts that require exploration, ideas to be pursued in numerous ways, and actions that I feel obligated to pursue, for my own satisfaction.

The Future

My ‘what next’ requires I give some thought to my priorities. Age and health mean I must think about the timelines for what I want to accomplish, where I want to go, and what I want to do. Though I know I need to not do ‘too much’, whatever that is, I know it means that I have to pace myself carefully to maintain my health. Without my health, I will not be able to do anything. My health is important to me because I value my family. If I don’t want to burden my family and want to have good times with them, I need to look after myself.

Supporting my teaching of the importance of self-care, I need to make a concerted effort to put that into practice. I’ve gotten better at self-care, but I am easily led astray by my active mind. One more thing won’t be difficult, won’t add to my fatigue. But of course, there is always one more thing.

What’s Next

What next? For me it is to re-examine my values, desires, goals, and then set priorities. Will these be New Year’s Resolutions? No! They will be a game plan for the next 3, 6, 12 months, or maybe the next 5 years. Focus and priority is high on my list of immediate things to do. Before leading others, I must successfully lead myself. What is next for you?

Join me Monday, 5-December-2022 evening 6:00pm to 7:00 pm MDT

This course will run for 6 Mondays: December 5, 12, 19 and January 9, 16, 23 – 2023.

Week 1: 5-December-2022: Introduction: Getting to Know Yourself

In this first week we will learn about ourselves. We will discuss and practice Meditation, Body Scan, Progressive Muscle Relaxation, Heart-Focused Breathing so you can determine what will benefit you.

Week 2: 12-December-2022: Building Self-esteem and Confidence

Why do we have trouble with self-esteem and self-confidence? We will identify what gets in our way and how to overcome these obstacles.

Week 3: 19-December-2022: Resiliency

During this week we will discuss the definition of resiliency: Why resilience is important: And, how to build resiliency.

Week 4: 9-January-2023: Decrease Your Stress and Increase Your Energy

We can’t get rid of stress, but we can control many stressors and learn how to respond rather than react to our emotions. We will learn techniques to decrease stress and increase energy.

Week 5: 16-January-2023: Success

What is success? What do you need to be successful? We will address these questions and discuss the big picture of success.

Week 6: 23-January-2023: Being in the Zone/Flow and Wrap Up

What does it mean to be “In the Zone” or “In Flow”? We will discuss these terms and how to achieve them. Then we will wrap up the program discussing your next steps.

21-October-2022

I have experienced another awakening in the past while. There was no one thing that jumped out to tell me “Elaine, pay attention to what is happening and how you are responding?” But as I chatted with a colleague, I became aware of many things occurring in my life and became aware of how I was feeling.

Self-Development

I have been focusing on bettering myself in many ways the past few years to be the person I want to be which includes improved health and the ability to help others by sharing what I learn and experience with others.

My numerous life experiences from which I have learned give me something I can share with others as I coach them or as I write blogs and social media posts. Though not all my experiences have been ideal, the overall outcome has led to a beautiful life.

I love learning. If anything, I might get a bit too carried away with learning. I am forever signing up for a new course. There are so many free opportunities available online.

Recent Times

12 – October this year my husband and I said goodbye to our beautiful pup, Sadie. We didn’t have children together and Sadie was a bit like our child. There was no doubt Sadie was a member of our family. I have been heartbroken by her death and cannot explain how deeply hurt I am.

Late last year the father of my children died. My children, grown adults with children of their own, were heartbroken. I too was deeply saddened. He and I had gone to school together and had many friends in common. He and his wife, my husband and I all got along well. So, it was a big hurt. Then two days ago another close friend from high school died. We had dated a few times in high school, and we have remained friends. We lost touch for a few years in our early 20s, yet we were close even though we would sometime go years without being in touch. In the last 10 or more years we communicated more often. His loss is again incredibly sad.

These events and my less than perfect health have had my mind in a whirl. I’ve been having more questions than usual. The big question…

What’s Next?

More than one of my clients has recently shared they don’t know what comes next, what to do next, they are unsure of what they want. Their question has not been quite the same as mine, because they are not sure what they want next. I know what I want. I have been on a journey of self-discovery for several years now and will continue that journey. Despite being a senior, I am still learning about myself, about life, and refining the details of what I want; there is so much to learn.

Since my retirement in December – 2014 I have continued to learn. I have become a Certified Trainer for HeartMath, I became certified as an Everything DiSC Partner, completed my Doctor of Management in Organizational Leadership, and certified as a Life Coach. I’ve taken numerous courses as I moved to helping others by becoming a life and leadership coach. I had the recurring feeling I needed to know more. But guess what?

I Don’t Need to Know More

Guess what? I don’t need to know more. Knowing more is nice and I do believe it is important to remain up to date with what is happening in the world, with leadership, management, health, psychology, and numerous areas I find interesting. But I do this because I want to, I do not need to. Right now, I am taking an aromatherapy course. I’m sure I will be able to help others with what I learn, but the reason I am taking the course is because I want to. I have always been interested in aromatherapy and love the essence of flowers, herbs, oils, nature, and cooking and baking. They seem to go so nicely with the outdoors, water, comfort foods, and the comfort of home. I also find a connection between aromatherapy, health, and spirituality.

Spirituality

I started a journey exploring my spirituality several years ago. I have investigated a few options and have settled on a practice that I am enjoying. The word ‘settled’ might not be quite accurate as nothing is settled; I continue to learn and grow, and to explore. There is so much to learn.

My health started to challenge me prior to my retirement in 2014. Chronic sinus infections were not new to me. Exhaustion was. The cause of my exhaustion, an autoimmune disorder. Now I knew why. I learned there were going to be things I could not do, changes were afoot.

My Health Journey Woke Me Up

My health journey became quite extensive over the next several years with surgeries, complications from surgeries, cancers, and another autoimmune disorder. During these times, my spirituality and determination were a huge help. Though there were many “why me?” moments.

I’m on my way to 3 years of being cancer free and I feel my health improving almost daily. The journey continues, however that is my own choosing. I want to feel better than before I started to decline. It isn’t easy, but I have also learned that there is not a rush. I know when the time is right if I pay attention to my body, mind, emotions, and soul I will be the best me possible. I am growing into who I have known I want to be, who I am now ready to be. Who I want to be is difficult to put into words as it is more an overall sense of calm, peace, love, joy, and harmony, connecting me with the universe.

Think Quantum

One of my important beliefs is we are all one. I am a part of you, you are a part of me. What I do has an influence on everyone. What I experience, and what is done to me influences all others. Everything we do involves a choice, even when we “don’t make a choice” we have chosen to maintain the status quo.

The more I learn the less I know. I choose to continue to learn, to listen, to read, to be curious, and to explore. There is nothing I must do, but there are many, many things I want to learn, share, and practice. I hope you will join me on my journey.

What Next

I am in the process of developing a series of online courses to include in my programs. I already offer in-person and virtual coaching. Courses offered now will remain available, but also be offered in a new and exciting format. Watch for me to request people to check out what I have by taking part in a variety of webinars and online events.

I don’t have to do it all at once. I don’t need to take another course. I don’t need to do anything I don’t want. The only thing I need to keep in mind is to ensure that my actions, words, and attitude align with my values.

Learn more about your values. I am not promoting this site or the associated quiz, I am merely giving you one source to explore. There is a great deal of literature available if you choose to learn more. Or give me a shout and we can discuss values together. I am always open to conversations, whether they be on my blog, postings, or via messages, virtually, or in person. What better way to meet more people and learn about others and our world?

Is there such a thing as a quiet leader? I don’t mean someone who doesn’t make decisions, doesn’t have ideas, or just doesn’t lead. I’m talking about someone who doesn’t shout and push their own agenda, who must have things done their way. I’m talking about a true leader who leads from a quiet, respectful, strong position of listening and working with others to do what is best. A quiet leader will encourage others to take time to think, to share their thoughts, to listen respectfully to the thoughts of others, and to discuss different opinions and concepts in that same respectful manner.

Leaders All Around Us

The leaders whose names we know are often in politics, big business, entertainment, sports, or have made a name for themselves in some way that puts them out front in the media. Other leaders that we might know more personally are our bosses, teachers, religious leaders, or coaches. Then there are the people we listen to and trust, but who might not have a title that reflects leadership, are not famous, and might not think of themselves as leaders, but to whom we trust for direction and advice. When you need help with something at work to whom do you turn? Often you will turn to a work colleague who will help and guide you or to your boss. I don’t know about you but in many of my jobs turning to the boss just didn’t happen because the boss was in a meeting.

Formal or Informal Leaders

Many of our formal leaders, those with a title indicating leadership are quiet and unassuming, yet excellent leaders. Other formal leaders might be outspoken, demanding, and insist on their way or the highway. And, of course, there is a lot in between. Depending on circumstances there is often nothing wrong with any type of leadership. We might have leadership styles we prefer – as either the leader or follower – but that doesn’t mean any are wrong or right.

Some people don’t think a quiet introverted person can be a good leader. One of the best physicians I ever worked with was a very quiet, gentle man. He was not an introvert, but he was quiet. Everyone listened and learned from this doctor. He did not have to raise his voice to get attention in our busy ICU which was generally noisy. ICUs tend to be noisy at the best of times with machines, oodles of people requesting assistance, doctors giving orders, tests being carried out, and families with their loved ones and talking to the healthcare staff. Imagine trying to be heard in such an area. One of the best ways is to speak quietly, don’t talk when it is not necessary, and make sure that what you are saying has meaning. Most of all, think before you speak. Being aware, being present, understanding yourself, your emotions, and the emotions of others all help guide you before you speak, and guide you in your responses. One way to do this is to learn about and develop Emotional Intelligence, to build qualities that improve our leadership ability, whether a formal or informal leader.

The Quiet Leader

Gregory (2010) stated:

Quiet leaders have earned the respect of their team; they display the appropriate level of confidence, are understanding, compassionate, and open-minded. They think laterally rather than hierarchically, are likeable, relatable, and approachable.

Quiet leaders know and understand the importance of relationships.

Quiet, introverted people can be good leaders. The characteristics often displayed by these people include:

Reference: https://www.childlife.org/membership/aclp-bulletin/spring-2019-table-of-contents/q-is-for-quiet-leadership#:~:text=Quiet%20leaders%20have%20earned%20the,recognize%20the%20importance%20of%20relationship.

1. They are good listeners.
2. They think deeply about goals and challenges.
3. They let others shine. (It isn’t look what I did, it is “look what the team did”).

Reference: https://www.biospace.com/article/3-skills-that-make-introverts-excellent-leaders/

Wow! Don’t these characteristics sound reasonable and something we would like to see in all leaders? I have said many times we are all leaders. We are not all good leaders, most people – regardless of position – can improve their leadership skills, we all have room to develop and grow. If we were to all do just those three things; listening, paying attention to goals and challenges, and boosting up others we would be well on our way to being good leaders.

A Few Questions to Consider

For the next while, a week to a month, I urge you to pay attention to the people around you and ask yourself these questions:

1. What leadership qualities are they displaying?
2. Are they formal or informal leaders?
3. Do they consider themselves a leader?
4. Are the formal political and business leaders in our world demonstrating the kind of leadership qualities we have mentioned here?
5. Are those formal leaders the kind of leader you would want to be or to follow?
6. What leadership skills could those around you benefit from learning?

Learning never stops. Life-long learning is especially important and needed by anyone who identifies as a leader. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Please join in a discussion on leadership, quiet leadership, and characteristics of a good leader.

What Will the Next Leg of Your Life’s Journey Look Like?

Not sure what you want? Most of us have been in this situation at some point in our life. I’m sharing a few questions you can ask yourself to get started. These questions are just the beginning of learning about yourself.

When I completed my doctoral degree, I had also retired from work. Retirement was not my choice; health issues played a huge role. I could no longer work as a nurse, I finished school (again), and my health left a lot to be desired. So, what was I doing to do with my life? First, for me, was to find out how to cope with my diagnosis of an autoimmune disorder that had left me with almost no energy – no matter how much I slept I was exhausted physically and mentally after about 2 hours of minor activity. What did I want? I wanted my health. But that is not what most people want. Most people want to be happy and have a sense of purpose.

“What do I want to do with my life?” is a question we all ask ourselves at some point. We wonder: What career do we want? How do we want to spend our time? What really leads to a life worth living?

The answer to what we want to do with our lives depends on several things. Let’s examine a few questions you can ask yourself to get started toward finding your answer.

1. What makes you happy?

We all want happiness. We have also been told that we will find happiness inside ourselves. Other people and things will not give us happiness. Have you asked yourself ‘What makes you happy?’ Asking yourself that question is a good place to start. We have a plethora of emotions some sad, some happy, some exciting, some ho-hum, and everything in between. No matter what emotion you experience, it is real and deserves to be acknowledged. However, we don’t want to dwell on the emotions that don’t lift us up. Instead, focus on those things you can identify that make you smile, make you feel good, and make you happy. We want to experience positive emotions and eudaimonia, which can be defined as meaning in life, well-being, or even happiness. So, start to pay attention to yourself and find out what makes you happy. Knowing what makes you happy will help you decide what to do next in your life. Afterall, why would you want to choose something that you don’t enjoy or that won’t lead you in the direction you choose?

For example, what do you like to do? When are you the happiest? Who are you with when you are the happiest? What goals bring a smile to our faces? Now, what kind of life would help you do these things and feel this way more often?

2. What are your needs?

What do you need in life? Don’t confuse want with need. Most of us would love to have a million dollars, a perfect relationship, perfect children, and a beautiful home with the workers to look after the house, yard, and anything else connected with our home. There are basic needs: food, shelter, safety, clean water, access to healthcare, access to education, a job we like and that pays us enough to have financial stability. Not everyone has those things. For those who do not have those things deciding what you need becomes easier to decide, but not necessarily easy to obtain. If you are curious about this do a search for Social Determinants of Health. If you have not seen this before you might be surprised. Identify what you need, as in those things which are most important to you right now. This is where your values could come into play. A loving relationship, a family, education, food security, a home, or enough money to pay the bills. I still have a need for health. Though my health is much better than when I was forced to retire, I still must make some advances and be even better. Using health as an example of what I need I am obligated to identify what actions to take to improve my health i.e., eat a healthier diet, and eat and drink less, drink more water, increase my physical activity, get enough quality sleep, and do things I enjoy. What are your needs? What is important to you and why? My health is important to me because my family is important to me. When I was at my sickest my husband had a lot of work to do to care for me, the house, and the yard. He did all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I don’t want him to have to be in that situation again.

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, social/love needs, and self-esteem needs are of higher priority than self-actualization—or living up to our full potential. Other needs—like competence, autonomy, and relatedness—are also thought to be keys to well-being and living a good life (Reis et al., 2000). We all deserve safety, love, and appreciation therefore, we might need to take some steps to achieve those items.

3. What are your values?

I am big on values, and you will know this if you have read many of my previous blogs, or LinkedIn and Facebook posts. Values guide us in our actions, behaviours, our treatment of ourselves and others. Our values are somewhat like a globe – many details aren’t apparent, but they give us the guiding direction we need to get started. Our values help us move forward in ways that matter and are important to us (Roccas, Sagiv, Schwartz, & Knafo, 2002). If you have not identified your values now is a suitable time to do so. If you have identified your values quite some time ago, this is a time to evaluate and reflect on them. Aligning day to day activities with your values will put you on a path of which you can be proud and keep you moving in the right direction. If you value social connection, then you understand that being around others is important in your life. Working full-time from home might not be a viable choice for you. If you value kindness, you might want to look for work or volunteer activities that provide an opportunity to help others. By reflecting on your core values, you can better understand what you want.

4. What activities make you lose track of time?

Have you ever been so absorbed in something that you have lost track of time? Chances are that activity was something you enjoyed such as a game, a hobby, an activity, or something fun. I recently painted ceramics with my daughter and granddaughter, we had no idea of the time. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. When you are absorbed in something you enjoy the time passes quickly as opposed to when you are trudging your way through an unenjoyable task. I cleaned my fridge yesterday, and I am happy with the end product, but it felt like it took forever – time dragged. That feeling of total absorption is referred to as flow—or the positive feeling of being totally connected to our performance (Jackson & Marsh, 1996). Flow occurs when we’re doing what we really enjoy and is just the right fit for our skill level.

Identify the activities in which you get super absorbed. These activities are clues to who you are and what you want in life.

5. What would you do if you could do anything in life?

There are no restrictions here – no time, money, health, or other people stand in your way to your choice. In reality, we know we can’t fulfill all our wildest dreams. I applied to be an astronaut, and I got a rejection letter. That wild dream did not come true, but I took the step to apply. I knew my qualifications were the bare minimum and that I was a bit old, but if you don’t try you will never know, I didn’t give up hope until I got the letter. Are you putting limits on yourself? Often these limits are needed or aren’t accurate? Are you merely making excuses because you are afraid to fail? There isn’t really failure, you just haven’t found the best way that works. Don’t put false limits on your potential. Take the time to acknowledge what you really want as this can help you identify the general direction for your journey to your next adventure.

6. What is the gestalt of your life?

Gestalt is German for “pattern,” “shape,” or “configuration.” The way I like to think about gestalt – the end result is larger than the sum of the parts. Consider your house. Is your house your home? For some people it is, for others home is where they are or where their family is. A house is only a home when the people they love are there, this is one way to consider gestalt. What is this for you? Rather than think of the small parts examine the larger picture. My job as a nurse wasn’t just a job, it was my profession and something I loved doing. Yes, it brought in the money to pay the bills and give me a good life, but it was much more than a job, it was my calling. I miss working as a nurse.

What will bring you satisfaction and allow you to lead the type of life you want? How will you describe the feeling you will have when you achieve the life you want to have? How will the pieces fit together? Imagine you are a fly on the wall looking at your dream life. From the perspective of someone or something else what do you see?

These questions are a starting point to figuring out and deciding what to do with your life. You can delve more deeply into who you are and what you want, but these questions will get you rolling to move forward to life of joy and happiness. Do you have questions, need some clarity, or aren’t sure where to go next, contact me and we can chat. Sometimes that is all you need – a chat to say things aloud, to get those thoughts clearer in your mind.

References

• Reis, H. T., Sheldon, K. M., Gable, S. L., Roscoe, J., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Daily well-being: The role of autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Personality and social psychology bulletin, 26(4), 419-435.
• ​Roccas, S., Sagiv, L., Schwartz, S. H., & Knafo, A. (2002). The big five personality factors and personal values. Personality and social psychology bulletin, 28(6), 789-801.
• Jackson, S. A., & Marsh, H. W. (1996). Development and validation of a scale to measure optimal experience: The Flow State Scale. Journal of sport and exercise psychology, 18(1), 17-35.

Why shouldn’t we all be able to work for a great leader? If you are working for a great leader, you are in a beautiful position. As an assistant manager in one of my nursing roles the manager was very clear – I did not work for her, I was not her assistant, I was an assistant manager and we worked together for the unit staff. Now that demonstrates a good leader’s sense of valuing others. I remember being thrilled when I got the job because I wanted to work for a great leader. Working with a great leader was even better, and I learned so much, as I had expected. What kinds of things make a leader great? Here are some traits I found.

5 Traits of Positive Leaders

I want to work for a great leader. To do this I need to know what a great leader looks like. Here are five (5) traits from the Roffey Park Institute

1. Charisma
2. Focus on Development
3. Take on the Role of a Mentor
4. Ability and Willingness to Listen and Learn
5. Honesty

Fun

People also want to work for leaders who have a sense of humour. Employees, apparently feel funny leaders are more competent.

The stories of leaders and leadership reveal their explorations of life, the world, and their experiences. What have you explored? As a child you explored the dirt, mud-puddles, insects, animals, and the things your parents told you not to. That exploration taught you many things about life, safety, and enjoyment. Children are curious. As an adult are you still exploring? Are you still curious? Ask yourself what you have explored lately and if you can’t think of anything it is time you decided to explore. Later this week I am going to paint some pottery. I’ve never done this before. It isn’t a big challenge, but it is something new. Exploring can be as easy as reading something of a different genre or an author new to you who has a different viewpoint, or it can be as challenging as taking up a new sport or learning a new language.

Challenging yourself with new things helps your brain to function optimally. There is much we can do to ward off Alzheimer’s and dementia. Among the things to do are exercising your brain and your body. As a leader it behooves you to set a good example. Challenge yourself and challenge those you lead. Of course, I encourage you to make those challenges fun.

Many of the great leaders from history aren’t known for having fun experiences. The historical leaders were often involved in acquiring more land and riches, causes and wars.

“Not only do employees who laugh at work tend to be healthier and more productive, but they are also absent from work less often. This reduction in absenteeism helps reduce costs to your business and increase business profits.” https://risepeople.com/blog/why-workplace-humour-is-the-secret-to-great-leadership/

But what the past will not do is provide the magic formula for how to become an effective leader. Looking for clear lessons in history seems a futile quest: there are too many lessons, and they are often in dispute. History can be useful, however, in suggesting patterns and parallels, raising questions, and – equally important – giving warnings about why things go wrong.

Commonalities of Great Leaders

• Workaholics
• Ability to plan
• Great memory
• Luck
• Understanding public sentiment
• Well-timed unreasonableness
• Steady nerves
• Inspiring persistence
• Empathy
• Political awareness

Healthy Workplace Culture

We hear about toxic work environments, but there are also healthy work environments. A good leader is the foundation for a healthy work environment. A positive leader can create a healthy environment while retaining performance and meeting outcomes even when there are ongoing challenges. A healthy, positive work environment is built upon personal relationships (yes, these are also professional), where the leader encourages the employees and makes them want to work for them.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence came to the forefront several years ago. Workplaces had frequently focused on the IQ of the employees, and that is important. However, it was discovered that there was more to business and organizations led by smart people. Smart people aren’t necessarily great at social skills. Think Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, for a comedic example.

EQ vs IQ has led to debate and numerous studies comparing the two. One study, focused on manager performance, suggests that what separates the most outstanding leaders from the others is their high EQ. A study at UC Berkeley suggested that EQ is 4-times more powerful than IQ in predicting success in their given field.

What and where have you learned about Emotional Intelligence? Our educational systems have not embraced EQ, still focusing on IQ. Emotional Quotient tends to be the responsibility of the employer. Some information suggests that companies are focusing more on EQ competencies than IQ when reviewing resumes. Many companies have found that EQ is important in the working environment where people work together. Work is about relationships, especially when working in teams or on projects.

Do EQ Leaders have Specific Habits?

With the current unrest in the world, I urge you to consider our world leaders and their EQ. We see charisma, EQ, negotiating skills, power – my way or the highway. Regardless of nation, the leadership role is demanding and fast moving. Often solutions to problems are not black or white, there are numerous options, and the leaders, despite their power, need others. In many nations the leader must have the support of others for anything to really happen. Some studies suggest that the most successful presidents (though they have not defined success) have been ones with high EQ. World leadership requires those who carefully choose their battles, are assertive when needed, and demonstrate courage in unnerving situations.

Whether a world leader, or leader of an organization, self-awareness is incredibly important. Leaders need to understand their emotions, moods, and what motivates them. They also must be in control of themselves, their feelings related to difficulties, and ensure they are rational in their decisions. Leaders need to be aware of how their words and actions affect others. Leaders want to answer questions such as how they can align with others toward a common goal, how to inspire others to work together toward that common goal and how to stand up for what they believe. Great leaders understand what inspires and motivates others.

How Do Great Leaders Influence and Inspire?

A great leader knows about emotions, feelings, passions, and what drives people to be the best they can be. The great leader must also know how all those same things can bring a person down and be the source of pain and hurt. Sharing stories, creating rituals and traditions, being inspirational to boost the team, and to celebrate all the little successes are important qualities for any leader, but come more readily to someone with high EQ. All teams have conflict and disagreements. A great leader with a high EQ knows how to prevent conflict by ensuring that respectful, open, non-judgmental discussion is encouraged. The great leader is a great communicator and guides employees to become great communicators. A work environment is built on relationships, and relationships are built on communication.

Leaders need many skills. One of my recent posts, 7 Must Have Leadership Skills tells you more about what a leader must have.

How to Increase Your EQ

Emotional Quotient increases with age, but you don’t have to wait till you are old to have excellent EQ. Learn about your own emotions, what triggers your various emotional responses or reactions, how to be in control of your responses so there are no more unplanned reactions that get you in trouble. Learning how to improve your communication skills, make better decisions, understand what drives you and what drives others are important parts of developing EQ. Build your resiliency, learn to maintain positivity, be assertive, and engage in self-development – personal and professional. A good leader will also ensure that these opportunities are available for all those they lead.

What are your next steps to increasing your EQ and developing your leadership skills? I’m available to help drelaine@drelaineleadership.coach.

Reference

EQ information from Norwich Pro

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When you are bothered by upset, frustration, or feeling overwhelmed you can choose to calm down. “Thanks” you say “but I think you are out to lunch”.

I’m sharing a short bit from HeartMath^(R) with you. Check out the graphic on this link – it is pretty darn cute.

These 7 tips are easy (not necessarily simple) but you can learn if you focus and do some practicing so that when such situations arise you have tools to use.

• Heart-Focused Breathing ^(TM).
• Talk to a friend or adult.
• Walk away.
• Send love and care.
• Use your words to express your feelings.
• Do something you enjoy to relax.

You can also connect with me to gain access to additional tools or just to talk. Some people are more comfortable talking to someone they don’t know rather than a friend or family member – I’m here for you at drelaine@drelaineleadership.coach

https://www.heartmath.org/resources/infographic/connect-with-your-heart/

Once upon a time, in years gone by there was an abundance of energy for me to access. Have you experienced that? As the years went by, I found myself needing more breaks, getting tired more quickly, and even needing more sleep. The four to six hours of sleep no longer was enough. Where did my energy go?

I had been able to work full-time, go to school, run, and exercise daily, and care for my children and home. (I am not and never was a good housekeeper, so that saved me some time). As the years passed, I found this more difficult. By this time, my children had grown and were independent, and I had a husband to help. I refuse(d) to believe this was the ‘aging process,’ give me a break, I don’t feel old. Age, as time is an illusion – right?

I had no idea that stress and stressful events can drain our energy. Good grief – work, school, children, home – those all have stress accompanying them. Of course, though I knew it wasn’t the right thing to cut, I decreased my exercise time. My knees were bad anyway so running was gone from my life. That is when the weight started to pile on – lovely.

I have since learned that our emotions and things that annoy us daily, like our commute to work, cause us stress that we don’t even notice and that stress depletes our energy. I have also learned ways to boost my energy.

There are many things influencing the amount of energy we have available. Think of energy like a battery. Some things charge the battery, and some things drain the battery.

Fight or Flight

Many of us are aware of this term, but we don’t really think much about it. Fight or flight response occurs when there is an “acute threat to survival that is marked by physical changes” (Britannica, 2019). These changes include our nervous and endocrine (hormonal) systems, which we rely on to keep us safe by either running away or staying to fight. There are few events in our day-to-day life that are life-threatening, but our body still responds as though the stressors are life-threatening. We have been a little slow to adapt to this. And these responses drain our energy. We can learn to have some control over our responses and conserve some energy.

Even though we are not being chased by a lion there are things that make our heart rate and breathing rate increase, sending more oxygen to our muscles so we can run or fight. The threats we have today tend to be cognitive (thoughts, beliefs, opinions) rather than physical. Most of our fears these days don’t call for either fight or flight. However, our body doesn’t recognize the difference between physical and cognitive threats, and our heart and breathing rates increase. I wonder if that is where the run-away bride comes from – stressed by getting married she needs to run or fight, she isn’t going to fight the man she loves, so she runs. The increased heart and breathing rate are from the activation of our sympathetic nervous system. This heightened sympathetic nervous system activity gives us some of the symptoms of anxiety.

To counter the sympathetic nervous system, we have the parasympathetic nervous system. Think car – sympathetic is gas and parasympathetic is the brake. When our heart is racing and our breathing is rapid, we want to bring these under control, we want to activate the parasympathetic system. We can learn to have some control of these and stop the battery from draining dry, we can learn how to charge the battery. This is an example used by HeartMath^TM.

Since learning about HeartMath^TM I have been in much better control of my energy drains. I have learned controlled breathing and to plug some energy leaks. First, I needed to be aware of some of the areas that were draining my energy. Some of these are things that occur every day, and we rarely think of them as anything but routine, let alone that they are using up our energy. Some examples for you:

Though many of these things are part of our daily life we don’t tend to think of them as anything but routine. Knowing that they are draining energy I also found ways to decrease the drain and charge my energy. I’ll share some ways to decrease energy drain, I wish I had known this years ago.

1. Breathe: When our sympathetic nervous system is triggered our breathing becomes rapid and shallow and uses up our energy. Taking slow, deep breaths will help you find calm and reduce your energy expenditure. Combining breathing with some positive thoughts, feelings, and memories can also help boost your energy.
2. Notice and Prep: Being aware of when you find yourself in fight or flight reactions is a good start to counteraction. Knowing that you get ‘up-tight’ at a certain meeting you can prepare for that meeting by breathing, doing some positive self-talk, and adjusting your perception. Remember: you are enough.
3. Acceptance: Knowing what you can change and what you can’t change is a good start. If you cannot change something/someone you might as well go with the flow. But to do so means awareness and choosing how you will feel – no use worrying, accept that is the way it will be. Even if you still find your heart racing and your breathing rapid and shallow, you can accept this and know that a few slow, deep, abdominal breaths will help you.
4. Exercise: We don’t know why exercise helps but we might be able to guess. When we are exercising, we are focusing on what we are doing rather than the stressful situation(s) we face. Exercise increases our heart rate our breathing – so what is different? Your state of mind. Also, you are in control. The rapid heart rate and respiratory rate aren’t all that is draining your energy, there are other hormones and chemicals in the body that react to feelings and emotions. While exercising you aren’t thinking about the department budget meeting that you know will be difficult; instead, you are focused on your health and well-being, and this changes what occurs in our bodies.
5. Cognitive-Behavioural Approaches: When you are in fight or flight mode take a moment to reflect on what you are thinking. Then ask yourself, “Is this the best solution, the best way to be thinking of this? Is there a better solution or action?” By taking the time to consider options you might find you can reduce your energy expenditure by finding a new solution.
6. Talk to a Professional: You want to make sure that your mental and physical health is good. A professional can help you learn ways to deal with stressful situations, anxiety, panic, or even poor sleep. You do not have to do everything on your own.

In summary, our fight or flight response is important to keep us safe. Sometimes that response is overactive, and we need to find a way to get control. Getting control will help improve your health and energy. Who wouldn’t like that? There are many resources available to help you find a way to better health, less stress, and happiness. We all deserve a beautiful life.

I am available to discuss how you can boost your energy rather than decrease it, and to be in control of your emotional responses. Check my calendar to book an appointment at your convenience https://koalendar.com/u/drelaineleadershipcoach

I get so mad. Are your emotions holding you hostage?

Husband: “Why are you always talking in the middle of a tv show? You know I can’t follow the show when you are talking.”

Wife: “Humph! I was just asking the dog if she wanted out. I wasn’t even talking to you.”

Wife to her friend: “He makes me so mad. Everything must be his way. He can talk to me when I am watching something or on a ZOOM call, but everyone must be perfectly quiet for him.”

How often have you said something like this, or heard someone else say it? “She made me so upset.” “He really hurt my feelings.” We say these things often not even thinking. But was it really the other person who made you mad, upset, or hurt? No. Those feelings come from your response to that emotion. What if you could control your response?

Sure, that sounds ok. But does it really make any difference? And what does it have to do with the way I lead?

You can control how you respond. I will share a bit more about that shortly. And as a leader, you are setting an example. Furthermore, as a leader you want your team to function optimally, and to do that, they also need to be able to be in control of their emotional responses.

Let’s examine more about emotions; where they come from, and why we react the way we do. First, we don’t want to get rid of our emotions. What we want is to be in control of our response. Emotions aren’t good or bad, but they do drive our physiology. Some emotions drain our energy, while others recharge our energy, like your cell phone battery. Some emotions are more intense than others. Regardless of the emotion, they affect our energy, how we perform, how we communicate, and our ability to self-regulate, or be in control.

Without going into a lot of detail I will explain what happens to our bodies when we are experiencing stress. After all, when we are angry, frustrated, or frightened we are experiencing stress. Knowing what is going on physiologically might help you to understand why you want to be in control of your emotional responses.

Within seconds of sensing a threat – real or perceived – fear, anger, or frustration your body is at work releasing adrenaline and noradrenaline to increase your blood pressure and heart rate. This is needed to ensure that you get the required oxygen and blood to where it is needed – the brain, muscles, heart, and lungs. You need this to ensure you are physically strong enough to protect yourself. (Remember, your brain doesn’t know if it is anger or a lion attacking, it merely knows there is stress.) When your heart rate increases you are stressed. There is also less blood going to the skin, digestive system, and kidneys – that is what causes the ‘butterflies’ in your stomach. Noradrenalin also hones your senses making you more alert, causing your facial muscles to become tense, you might clench your teeth, you might get goosebumps, and you are likely to look more aggressive.

Cortisol is also released and converts stored fat into energy to drive your muscles. However, too much cortisol weakens your immune system. Have you ever noticed that after the big project is completed, or the exams are written you get a cold, cold sore, or other infection? I often got ill when I took a vacation – why? – because I had been under stress, knew it was time for a break, but I had waited too long and there was just too much cortisol that had weakened my immune system.

Learning to control our response to emotions will help keep our stress down. It won’t make it go away, but it will help keep it in control and less cortisol will be released.

What are we going to do about this? There are numerous things that we experience daily causing us stress. Some of them we don’t even notice anymore because they happen all the time – your daily drive to work, your rush in the morning to get the kids off to school and you to work, or standing in the grocery store check-out line.

When you react to your stress you are prevented from thinking as clearly as usual, you can’t solve problems as easily, and your production decreases.

Have you ever found yourself saying something along the lines of

“that made me so mad, and when I get mad, I cry, which makes me angrier cause that looks like he had hurt my feelings, rather than I was angry”?

I know I have certainly done that a time or two. I have learned over time to have better control of my emotional responses. Of course, that doesn’t mean I will never do that again. Being in control of my emotional response is the way I expect to respond most of the time.

Have you noticed the use of the words react and respond? They are not the same. In this situation ‘react’ means what happens is spontaneous, without thought. Respond means you have taken a moment – now or at some point in the past, to evaluate how you will behave to the words or activity that stimulated a specific emotion. That time between the action and what you say is where you choose to either react or respond. When you choose to respond, you are in control. When you react, your emotions are in control. Most of us like to be in control of our actions, words, and behaviours.

Learning to respond rather than react isn’t easy. We have probably been reacting all our life. This kind of change takes some work, but with a few simple steps, it can be done.

Gaining Control of Your Emotions

1. Acknowledge and name your feeling.
2. Focus your attention on your breathing – the chest area or your upper lip where you can feel the cool air going in and the warm air coming out. Picture your breath flowing in and out of your chest area. Breathe a little slower and deeper than usual. Choose a rhythm that is comfortable for you. Do this for 3 – 5 breaths, or more if you feel you need to.
3. Identify a positive attitude or regenerative feeling – calm, peace, sitting on a beach enjoying the sun, something you appreciate, petting or playing with your dog, or just relaxing and reading.
4. Now ask yourself – what would be a more appropriate, effective, or efficient way for you to respond to the feeling you identified. (What would be a better solution than displaying your reaction?)
5. Notice the very subtle change in how you perceive the situation, your feelings, and your attitude. Make a promise to yourself to sustain this feeling and your attitude in this and similar situations.

You have now taken a few minutes to go through this process and in doing so you have not reacted to the emotion. Will this happen the next time an emotion overcomes you? Good chance it won’t. But, as soon as you realize that you reacted and were not in control, go through these steps. Continue to do this practice until it becomes comfortable, and you can do this before you react. You will find that as you do this with each emotion you will be establishing a new pattern for yourself.

What if you don’t identify a better way to respond? Don’t worry about it, just repeat the process later, or the next day until you identify a better response. The more you practice the easier it will be to have the response come naturally.

You can use this technique at times when you feel frustrated, angry, impatient, worried, or scared. Identify your emotional reactions that could benefit from being controlled with a response.

Check out an earlier blog for some more about stress and emotions and the video that accompanies it:

Emotions – Heart – Stress: Be in Charge of Your Emotions!

Our world is full of potential stressors. We aren’t going to be able to control all of them. But there are many emotions connected with these stressors that can be tamed. You can avoid some stressors – don’t have the news on constantly or even take a few days to not listen to the news, consider a change in your morning routine, or maybe change the time or place you do your grocery shopping (or maybe get someone else to do it occasionally).

Your health includes managing your response to stress. Give me a shout and we can discuss this in more detail and plan what you can do that is specific to your needs.

Let’s talk: drelaine@drelaineleadership.coach

or set up an appointment on my calendar: https://koalendar.com/u/drelaineleadershipcoach